One of my trauma mommas wrote this in an online forum. I am reprinting her part here with permission. I believe a lot of us feel this way, even if we don’t admit it. And my response follows.
” I now feel that if God had wanted me to have a child He would have made it so. I feel that maybe I thwarted His plan by adopting so I adopted a child who couldn’t care less if I lived or died. At times, I do feel like He put W in my path. I don’t know. If the reason was to show me that I would not have the family experience that my husband and I dreamt of, then the adoption was a raging success. Pun intended. I just know that I am not an advocate for adoption any longer. When people ask should they adopt, my response is do you really want to hear what I have to say or I am not the person to ask that question. Of course, I am told how blessed I am for having such a sweet and respectful child. I forget that they don’t know the real child I live with and love. At the end of the day, I do love her, but I am broken and scarred by that love.”
Do not say God did not intend you to have a child because you did not birth one… that means the teenage girl who threw hers in the dumpster was “intended” to have one… the crack whore, etc. That is a load of kablooey! As far as our parenting experience, the whys… I don’t know. My hubs and I do feel strongly that God intended us to have this child. That’s the only thing that keeps us going with him. There’s a reason here. Somehow we are important in his life, even if we don’t see it. Somewhere there’s a myriad of lessons for us to learn here as well. I’ve changed dramatically. I never knew the darker side of adoption. Now I am working to be an advocate for parents to teach them about the dark side before they adopt and to support them after. That’s the thread we cling to. No we’ll never have the family life we dreamed off. Double whammy, both of us were adopted into abusive homes so we didn’t have it growing up, we adopted because we were determined to do it for our children! Irony… And as far as the scars you wear, the broken parts, wear them with PRIDE, because you are a warrior, you earned those scars, fighting in a battle for the life of a child who will never say thank you, will never know the battles you fought, and you fought and LOVED an unlovable human being. Love is a verb, love is an action, not a feeling, and you LOVED. That is admirable! That is put it up on a billboard for all to see awesome! That is true heroism! Stand tall and proud, even though you feel broken, because although you have not been “rewarded”…. you have truly sacrificed. And isn’t that what Jesus’ message was all along? You have walked the true path. Humbly, and without return.