Been bumming a lot this week. Finally figured out why today. It’s spring break, and not that the kids were being out of control, or fighting more than usual, or any of that – my mood was actually because I was grieving and didn’t realize it. I was grieving what I had always envisioned “spring break” would look like when my kids got to be this age, the things we’d do, the places we’d go… instead I have line of sight 24/7 on one child, and he can’t be allowed around the neighborhood children, two of the siblings are constantly at each other (trauma bond), and the third and 4th are mentally disabled/sensory issues. So we don’t get to do the things I’d thought I’d be doing with 12, 11, 10 yr olds (and a 3 yr old). We aren’t going to Disney, like my neighbors, with their 5,4,3 yr olds who have a blast, we didn’t go to the zoo, like our other neighbors, with their middle school kids, we didn’t go on a big drive through a few states to see friends… we kept it low key and simple around the house. And that makes me sad… for them, and for me. Once I identified the emotion, though, it was easier to handle the “bitchiness” I was feeling, the irritableness, because that’s how my grief was coming out, my sorrow was masquerading as anger…..
And I learned. And I grew. Growth, not perfection.