“My kid hates me”.. Things you don’t know before adopting

I was watching a true crime tv show the other day and the cold blooded killer was the grown up son, although in this case, not adopted, no known trauma, although who knows?  He just wanted the inheritance.  Which reminded me of the Mendoza brothers, and their trauma defense (again, who knows?).. and on the same day, reports of the two youngest kids ever to be tried as adults are about to be released from prison after serving their time. In their story, however, abuse and molestation is known, and known by many adults including CPS…

But what about when the abuse, trauma happen before your kid comes to you… and your child hates you?  Not the normal, tantrum, “I hate you!” because they don’t get a sucker before dinner or because you won’t let the teen drive his friends to the movies.  I’m talking a deep-seated hate, a rage, one that is frightening to see even in the eyes of a 3 yr old because you know their intent and will to carry it through, you are the target, even though you’ve done nothing wrong to them, ever?  How do you get past that?

In the beginning, you think, it just takes time.  They’ll see that I’m here for the long term, I’m not going to abandon them, I’m not going to starve them, or beat them, and I love them with my whole heart.  Years pass… and yet, the hate doesn’t diminish, in fact, it seems to grow as the child grows.  Why can’t my child feel my love?  Do I still feel love for my child when the most overwhelming feeling I have is fear?  Fear for the future, fear of turning my back?

No words of wisdom here.  Just hang in there, keep loving, keep trying, because I believe it is making a difference.  And – safety first, yours, other family members, pets – and keep your child safe from doing something they might regret later when they’ve healed.  But don’t give up.  Hang in there.  You are not alone.

-realmom

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