So many of the parenting books, and even therapists, say that if your kids aren’t improving, or aren’t healed, it’s your fault, as the parents. YOU are doing something wrong. That kind of thinking really gets my ire up! While it is possible you are not following through and doing what you are supposed to, in general, the parents I have met in this RAD battle for a child’s life are doing everything – EVERYTHING – they possibly can and then some to provide healing resources for their child, to be a healing resource for their child. Only you – I repeat – ONLY YOU – with some sincere and honest self-evaluation can determine whether or not you are giving it your all, whether you are following the therapies to the best of your abilities, etc. Just you. Not some therapist who met you for 15 mins, or some author of a book who supposedly knows it all, and certainly not your extended family. Only you can make that judgement. And once you’ve sincerely determined that you are doing it right, you are giving it all, then let that part go. It’s not your fault.
If we gave the original artist a shredded canvas and asked him to paint Mona Lisa, could he paint one exactly like the original? No. It’s not possible. The canvas is damaged beyond repair. No amount of super glue or gorilla tape can put that canvas back to it’s original perfect condition. But could he paint a different picture, a beautiful picture, on that canvas? I bet he could.
Take a good long look at the statue of David by Michelangelo. Could he have done that if there were large cracks running through the stone? David with half an arm, a missing foot, a large gash in that perfect stomach?
You can only work with what the original material’s potential is to create a masterpiece. Or even a simple painting, for that matter. So expecting that every child will heal implies that the original material is intact. Unfortunately there’s just no way to know if it is or isn’t, so we assume it is, and keep working, but the fact of the matter is, not all kids will heal fully, and some kids won’t heal at all. This is not the fault of the parents working on repairing the damage created by trauma, but the fault of the trauma itself and the damage it’s done.
You can only do what you can do.