Crappy misconceptions we have to live with

Huffpost recently posted this article on rehoming, adoption, and how you wouldn’t give “up” your biological kids if they had problems but adoptive parents “do it all the time”:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mirah-riben/unadopting-is-divorcing-c_b_6504404.html

Let’s just say I was a little more than irate.  It was all over the board, basically an opinion piece with no actual basis in fact, taking a few blogs as “facts” and representatives of the entire adoption community, and there are no interviews with actual families, professionals, and absolutely no research done.  Journalism my ass.  But it is their way to promote their website, to tick people off, and boy, did it work.

I did respond to the article online, as well as to a commenter who said that re-homing should be criminalized, so the adoptive agencies and parents would think twice before getting “into the business.”  Here are my responses as posted on the site:

“This article doesn’t even look at the science and study of the brain in relation to attachment disorders, nor does it look at the psychology. This is a series of opinions and other’s opinions who have blogged, which are keeping ignorance in the forefront rather than fact. If you want real information, read some books by Daniel Siegal, Daniel Hughes, and others who have done scientific study and years of research on this issue. Unless you’ve lived it, unless you’ve been there, you simply have no clue. Commenting on all the “help” there is out there… let’s take a look at Sandy Hook – that mother (bio) sought help for her son time after time… it wasn’t there.

And, well, we know how that ended. It continues to amaze me that people still believe “kids are resilient, they can get through anything” when pretty much all of us have things from our childhoods that still haunt us, whether a comment from a parent, or a child in the playground. How much more with these children who have suffered nothing but neglect, trauma, abuse their entire lives until placed into an adoptive home – and then you think they’re going to get over it? Stop blaming the parents. Most adoptive parents have no idea what they’re getting into. Is that their fault? Partially. They could have done more research, etc. But a majority of the blame lies on the adoption agencies for not educating and supporting these parents.

And the comment on how bio people don’t give up their kids just because they have issues? My adopted daughter has Down Syndrome – and that’s why she was given up for adoption. So…. your opinions are NOT the reality of the situation and the opinions of the bloggers you happened to read who are going through or have gone through this is just the start of people beginning to talk about this dark side of adoption. It’s adoptive parents reaching out for help. It’s adoptive parents warning prospective adoptive parents about the realities of adoption. Every time I drive by a billboard with the cute faces of kids and talking about the need for foster families, I cringe. Those kids are damaged, traumatized. This is not your Beaver Cleaver parenting and all the old rules go out the window and you have to think outside the box to find ways to get through to your children, to make a connection.

We advocate for women to get out of abusive relationships with men. Yet you are telling parents who are being literally beat up by their kids to buck up. Siblings who are being beat up to just take it, because they are siblings. Logic??? And if you think a 5 year old can’t hurt a grown adult, I’ve got some pictures to show you, when all the while the parent is just trying to restrain the child so he doesn’t hurt himself.

This article saddens me, because it perpetuates the stereotype that it’s “all the parent’s fault”. YES there is a huge need for people to adopt, both domestically and internationally. But the parents who do it need to be properly educated and trained so that they have a chance at actually seeing success in the healing of the child. One commenter said “this is why I hate adoption.” So… you’re saying it’s better the children languish in foster care and get kicked out at 18 unable to care for themselves, filling our streets with kids who have no idea how to survive on their own, no resources, no one to turn to, which in turn fills up our jails.. Yeah, sure, that’s a better idea. Or, because the kids are in a different country, just let’em die there, not our problem. Sure, that’s humanitarian.”

“To the commenter who said “rehoming should be criminalized”… well then so should divorce. It should certainly make adults think twice before getting into that business….

Adoptive parents in a business? In what crazy world do you live?”

-realmom

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2 comments on “Crappy misconceptions we have to live with

  1. I beg to differ on several fronts:

    – a kid with a disability’s options are NEVER limited to (1) be adopted/rescued or (2) die too young in a sub-par foster home, institution or group home, be it here or overseas.

    When a judge considers whether to grant an adoption — here or overseas — the question being asked is NOT “is this kid better off ANYWHERE but orphanage/foster care/desperately poor country” but rather “can THIS family provide a decent home for THIS kid”.

    – To equate encouraging a woman to leave an abusive husband to dumping an “abusive” kid is OFFENSIVE and SO VERY WRONG.

    Adults CHOOSE to marry. Children (more often than not) have zero say in WHETHER they’re adopted, let alone in WHO adopts them.

    – I have three drug/alcohol exposed in utero, neglected and traumatized by spending pretty much their entire lives in foster care sisters — adopted at nearly-17 (my BFF from age 4), 8 and 7 (her baby sisters), some 20+ years ago — who were honor students, college grads by age 22, have had zero legal issues besides the occasional speeding ticket, are happily married, gainfully employed and all-around awesome. Their life outcomes are indistinguishable from loved-from-the-second-I-was-conceived me. It’s possible.

    Kids have a habit of living up (or down) to expectations.

    – Re-homing should ABSOLUTELY be criminalized — handing a kid over to a stranger with zero oversight is ALWAYS WRONG. In addition, any parent who rehomes or disrupts a child for ANY reason should be banned from adopting/fostering for life. Period. No exceptions.

    – Any parent who feels they can no longer care for their adopted or biokid ALWAYS has a legal option: Sign the kid over to CPS and pay child support until she turns 18.

    – there’s no such thing as an “attachment disorder” — not in the DSMV. RAD is! However, most of the symptoms self-proclaimed trauma mamas claim are of RAD… aren’t.

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  2. I’m glad you read this and replied. You are proving my point quite well. Thank you. I will be sure to pass your first comment on to the thousands of children dying in institutions overseas. They will be glad to hear they have other options other than being adopted or dying. Although you might want to do a little more research on that particular subject…. I think you may be a bit ignorant of the facts. As far as a judge is concerned, yes, you are correct, they are looking at that particular family. I am not sure where I wrote something that said otherwise or where I wrote something that said I was looking at it from anything other than an adoptive parents’ point of view.

    No one said that successful lives were not possible for these kids. That’s the kicker. Some can succeed, some end up not. The whys of it are unknown. It is brain chemistry? Nurture? Nature? Wish we knew. But I never implied that they ALL fail miserably, if that was the message you received from me, THAT WAS NOT MY INTENT AT ALL!!!!

    Rehoming/readoption is not handing a kid over to a stranger necessarily any more than a birth mom giving up a baby for adoption is handing a kid over to a stranger – you are, but then again, this family has been through a home study, criminal background check, etc. etc. I agree just dropping your kid off at a stranger’s house is wrong and criminal. However that is not readoption. Of course there’s always people out there who will break the laws…. I”m talking about the ones who do it the right way.

    Your comment on any parent who rehomes or disrupts a child should be banned from adoption for life…. doesn’t seem much different to me than sterilizing a woman who gave up a baby for adoption or who, worse, had an abortion. Now of course if they adopt, get rid of, adopt, get rid of, we’re dealing with an entirely different situation. I’m talking about the regular people who don’t have a weird mental illness making them collect kids and then get rid of them.

    About turning the kid over to CPS? You are incorrect. In some states that does work, but in most states you must turn over ALL your children, even if the one child in question is a predatory sexual offender and no matter what you do you are unable to keep other children safe with that child in the home, including the children living there, the neighbor children, etc. because hey, you are a person or a couple and not a staff of 24/7 and there are only so many legal things you can do to keep tabs on your child. Locking them in their room at night to keep them and others safe is illegal. Therefore there is always a risk that they can repeatedly rape other children in the home. Asking for help from CPS is a joke. A child like that needs a staff of qualified professionals who can help that child. If you believe you can keep other children safe from a child like that, I am happy to provide some children for you to have your way tested. If you have a magic cure, I know some mommas who would LOVE to know it. However since it seems you haven’t had that experience, I doubt if your opinions are really worth much when faced with the reality of it. No ones is once living it.

    The DSMV changes their names for things frequently, basically, every issue. So “RAD” has a different name now, but it is in the new edition under a different name. Do your research a little better… or maybe you have, and are just trying to judge.

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