Huffpost recently posted this article on rehoming, adoption, and how you wouldn’t give “up” your biological kids if they had problems but adoptive parents “do it all the time”:
Let’s just say I was a little more than irate. It was all over the board, basically an opinion piece with no actual basis in fact, taking a few blogs as “facts” and representatives of the entire adoption community, and there are no interviews with actual families, professionals, and absolutely no research done. Journalism my ass. But it is their way to promote their website, to tick people off, and boy, did it work.
I did respond to the article online, as well as to a commenter who said that re-homing should be criminalized, so the adoptive agencies and parents would think twice before getting “into the business.” Here are my responses as posted on the site:
“This article doesn’t even look at the science and study of the brain in relation to attachment disorders, nor does it look at the psychology. This is a series of opinions and other’s opinions who have blogged, which are keeping ignorance in the forefront rather than fact. If you want real information, read some books by Daniel Siegal, Daniel Hughes, and others who have done scientific study and years of research on this issue. Unless you’ve lived it, unless you’ve been there, you simply have no clue. Commenting on all the “help” there is out there… let’s take a look at Sandy Hook – that mother (bio) sought help for her son time after time… it wasn’t there.
And, well, we know how that ended. It continues to amaze me that people still believe “kids are resilient, they can get through anything” when pretty much all of us have things from our childhoods that still haunt us, whether a comment from a parent, or a child in the playground. How much more with these children who have suffered nothing but neglect, trauma, abuse their entire lives until placed into an adoptive home – and then you think they’re going to get over it? Stop blaming the parents. Most adoptive parents have no idea what they’re getting into. Is that their fault? Partially. They could have done more research, etc. But a majority of the blame lies on the adoption agencies for not educating and supporting these parents.
And the comment on how bio people don’t give up their kids just because they have issues? My adopted daughter has Down Syndrome – and that’s why she was given up for adoption. So…. your opinions are NOT the reality of the situation and the opinions of the bloggers you happened to read who are going through or have gone through this is just the start of people beginning to talk about this dark side of adoption. It’s adoptive parents reaching out for help. It’s adoptive parents warning prospective adoptive parents about the realities of adoption. Every time I drive by a billboard with the cute faces of kids and talking about the need for foster families, I cringe. Those kids are damaged, traumatized. This is not your Beaver Cleaver parenting and all the old rules go out the window and you have to think outside the box to find ways to get through to your children, to make a connection.
We advocate for women to get out of abusive relationships with men. Yet you are telling parents who are being literally beat up by their kids to buck up. Siblings who are being beat up to just take it, because they are siblings. Logic??? And if you think a 5 year old can’t hurt a grown adult, I’ve got some pictures to show you, when all the while the parent is just trying to restrain the child so he doesn’t hurt himself.
This article saddens me, because it perpetuates the stereotype that it’s “all the parent’s fault”. YES there is a huge need for people to adopt, both domestically and internationally. But the parents who do it need to be properly educated and trained so that they have a chance at actually seeing success in the healing of the child. One commenter said “this is why I hate adoption.” So… you’re saying it’s better the children languish in foster care and get kicked out at 18 unable to care for themselves, filling our streets with kids who have no idea how to survive on their own, no resources, no one to turn to, which in turn fills up our jails.. Yeah, sure, that’s a better idea. Or, because the kids are in a different country, just let’em die there, not our problem. Sure, that’s humanitarian.”
“To the commenter who said “rehoming should be criminalized”… well then so should divorce. It should certainly make adults think twice before getting into that business….
Adoptive parents in a business? In what crazy world do you live?”